Nevada County Picayune and Gurdon Times Newspaper Archive

Living Well

School aged children are particularly vulnerable and sensitive to criticism. Here are some things to avoid and some suggestions for positive ways to talk to children from author and parenting expert Vicki Lansky:

• Avoid labeling children as "careless," "incompetent" or "disappointing." You may be programming them to live up to your description.

• Don't embarrass children in front of others. Avoid using 'public time' to recall past misbehavior, correct bad habits or correct nonessential information they are sharing.

• Start sentences with "I" (your opinion) instead of "You" (supposed fact). Say "I feel that you. . ." instead of "You are. . ."

• Don't interrupt children with 'important' (to you) messages like "You're fidgeting again."

• Don't stoop to clever sarcasms. You're wasting your time and risking the possibility that your child may understand and be hurt.

• Be careful about nicknames. Even a loving 'Stretch' or an amusing (to you) 'Dumbo' can be hurtful to a child.

• Talk to children as you would to adults. You would probably never tell an adult to "Fix your hair. It looks awful."

• Avoid using "never," "always" and other absolutes.

• Avoid the famous put downs that your parents may have used on you: "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Look what you made me do." "Act your age." "Can't you do anything right?" "What's wrong with you?"

• Don't talk about your children's problem on the telephone or in any place where children might overhear you. They will feel betrayed and suspect that you discuss all private matters with outsiders.