Nevada County Picayune and Gurdon Times Newspaper Archive

Miller for governor

I'd like to take this time to formally announce my candidacy for the position of Governor of the State of Arkansas on the Democratic ticket.

Now, the first step is to round up some suckers, I mean volunteers, to help me get my grass roots campaign off the ground. To get things going, though, I'll need the volunteers to hit the ground running as we have almost no time to raise the $750,000 it will take to fund the campaign, starting with the money to pay the filing fee.

My campaign platform is very simple. In fact, the platform and slogan are the same: I won't do what he's done. This statement shouldn't require explaining, but I know there are those who won't understand what I mean by it. So, I promise not to do the things done by the incumbent which have proven to be an embarrassment to the state, and/or be detrimental to the state and its people.

I will not promise anybody raises if the money isn't already in the state's coffers. Granted, teachers do need to be paid more, but so do police and firemen.

I promise not to steal somebody else's ideas and put my name on them after making modifications which won't work and basically make the concept null and void.

I promise not to require schools to become day care centers by requiring they have curriculums for three-year-old children.

I promise not to call the state a banana republic on a nationally syndicated radio program  even if nobody with half a brain actually listens to the program in question.

I promise not to hire anyone related to me. This should be easy as I'm not sure anyone's left who may be blood kin, and if there is, I still won't hire them.

If elected, I will not pardon criminals just because somebody's relative asks me to so they can kill others (see Wayne Dumond).

Furthermore, I will not consider having murderers do the grounds keeping at the state capitol.

In addition, if the good people of the state will put me in office, I will not require a computer system be installed and put into use before all the bugs are worked out.

Teachers and educators, I will not, if elected, tie raises and promotions to the performance of students on standardized test scores.

Here's a good one, people. If you'll make me governor, I won't whine and cry every time the press says or writes something bad about me.

What will I do if elected, you ask? Well, let's see, I'd start by having a serious talk with the Arkansas Department of Education to see why so much emphasis is placed on SAT-9 scores, instead of teaching children how to read, write and do arithmetic.

I'll also have a chat with the Arkansas Department of Health to see what could be done about the problem of teen pregnancy in the state, and how we could better use the money from the tobacco settlement case.

Those wanting to help with my campaign can call me at the office or at home, I'm in the book.

Until then, remember, I am not a banana republican.