Nevada County Picayune and Gurdon Times Newspaper Archive

Parental Attention, Territory Rights Cause Sibling Rivalry

Sibling relationships are like a laboratory in which brothers and sisters bounce actions and feelings off one another to learn how to behave in the outside world.

Vital relationships skills can be learned from a sibling. These include sharing, mutual support and how to resolve conflict.

It is common for siblings to compete and argue. In many ways they are both friends and rivals. If siblings develop close ties and learn to handle conflicts well, they'll have a better chance of forming other working relationships  with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, teacher or boss.

Siblings fight mostly over two issues: attention from parents and territory, says Irene Lee, family and child development specialist, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Arkansas.

Siblings often vie for a parent's attention, even negative attention. If you feel ignored by Mom, a battle with a sibling is sure to get her to notice, even if she yells at you. Or a child may be angry at Dad for sharing love and attention with a sibling and may take it out on that sibling. Sometimes siblings fight to distract Mom or Dad from their own problems. If parents bicker, a sibling quarrel may be a plea for them to stop.

"Stay out of my room!" or "Give me back my CD!" are common commands. But conflicts over territory may mask another issue. One way we form our own identities is to figure out what's mine and what's yours. So fighting over territory is a way of learning about our limits  what we are entitled to claim as ours and what is beyond our own control.

Sibling rivalry tends to be greatest when children are fewer than three years apart. Children three years or older at a sibling's birth have secured a position of older brother or sister.

If parents play favorites with children or compare them  "Why aren't you as neat as your sister?"  bitter rivalry often results. The most common type of family violence is an attack by one sibling on another. Eight out of 10 children in one study reported getting into a physical fight with a sibling each year. If regular verbal or physical abuse occurs between parents or children, it's a sign something is wrong in the family. Family members need to be aware of extreme conflicts and seek outside help if necessary.

What can be done to keep sibling ties smooth or to improve them? A close sibling relationship takes work. Siblings must learn to express feelings and talk things out. If one has a gripe, tell the other about it before fighting. By talking first, the air can be cleared to avoid all-out battles.

Teens should be encouraged to settle conflicts between themselves. Teens often say, "I want to be treated like an adult." By mediating their own disputes and not running to a parent, siblings master a vital skill. They get a head start in learning to have good relationships with other people in their lives.

For more information on human development contact the Clark County Extension Service at 501 Clay Street in Arkadelphia.