Nevada County Picayune and Gurdon Times Newspaper Archive

Into The Void with John Miller

"Welcome to America," were the first words the immigrant heard from the Immigration and Naturalization Service agent.

"We'll do everything we can to make your life in the United States as pleasant as possible.

"In fact, you won't even have to bother learning English as we will cater to your language. When you become a citizen and register to vote, we will make sure the election ballots are printed in your native tongue for your convenience.

"While you're getting settled here, we will put you on the welfare rolls, make sure you have enough money to meet your needs, find you a place to stay and make sure you have all the medical attention you need.

"You don't have to worry about ever paying America back. After all, the middle class will be footing the bills to make your life here easier.

"Ah, yes, welcome to America, where we will go out of our way to help you, even if it means we have to ignore our own people. So what if we don't properly educate our own children, make sure they have enough to eat or have access to medical services. We want you to have all this, because you are our guests.

"While you're here, though, please don't bother the wealthy. They work so hard for what they have we can't afford for them to become put out with us.

"We have special rules for them, allowing them to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. After all, this is what the middle class is for, and nobody cares about them.

"Yes, welcome to America, land of the brave, home of the free, unless you do something we don't approve of, such as telling the truth about how life really is here. Doing this could get you deported. For those born in this great and glorious nation, we have special political prisons for them and call their crimes treason.

"Of course you know," the INS agent continued, "if you have children in this land we will take care of them. However, they will be native born Americans, unlike yourself, and subject to the laws of the land just like everyone else.

"In the meantime, though, please make yourself at home. If you are offended by any type of ethnic joke or comment, please let us know so we can take care of the offender.

"Yes, my foreign friend, welcome to America."